soooo… i’m autistic

a couple weeks ago, i was diagnosed with autism. i don’t really know how to feel about it. as with any other late diagnosis, i’ve ended up recontextualizing many of my life experiences. it’s very hard to know whether certain things i did are because i’m autistic, or simply because i have that kind of personality.

this is why i haven’t finished my nlog post (which my one loyal reader was looking forward to). it’s hard to tell whether i was nlog because autistic people are less likely to understand + follow social norms, or whether i was nlog because i really just didn’t like the way makeup and dresses are forced upon girls. it’s hard to tell whether i wore that leather jacket every day for a year straight (not exaggerating) out of an autistic desire for sameness, or whether i wore it because i just really wanted to be like tris from divergent. it’s probably a combination of both.

the recontextualizing extends beyond nlog. am i bad at socializing because of the autism, or do i just have a personality unsuited to small talk? is it possible that i’m the first autistic person whose autism isn’t what makes them bad at socializing? when i had to leave the university fair, was that sensory overload, or a regular ol’ panic attack? i didn’t know that you’re supposed to say hi to people you know when you see them in the hall until i was 16. was that because autistic people are less likely to pick up on social rules, or because i spent the previous two years being misanthropic and deliberately avoiding people? again, it’s probably a combination of both.

as someone who’s observed the identity-first vs person-first debate from the outside, i’m only now able to really, truly understand the identity-first side. the identity-firsters prefer “i’m autistic” because it doesn’t separate the autism from the person. they say that autism is so inseparable from the way they experience the world that to ignore the autism as a part of them is to ignore who they are, and now i really get it. looking back through my experiences, it’s so hard to tell where the autism ends and my personality begins that trying to do so is probably a pointless exercise.

but at the same time… i feel a little dissatisfied. being autistic means i’ll struggle to socialize for my whole life. of course i’ve been getting better, and will continue to, but small talk will always be frustrating, confusing, and utterly draining (seriously, my whole body relaxes when a conversation ends). my brain will always struggle to focus on things i’m not interested in, and i’ll have to learn how to trick myself into doing things i hate. it’s not always as simple as just forcing myself. i manage my sensory sensitivities pretty well, but that’s another thing i’ll always have to think about - do i have enough energy to go to that concert? how can i make sure i can do everything i want today? if i get overwhelmed, i either get snippy or go silent - both rude, both unhelpful to people who want nothing other than to help. being autistic means struggling and balancing these things for the rest of my life, which frankly i’m not looking forward to. it seems like it’ll Really Fucking Suck.

i’ve been slowly telling my close friends about the diagnosis, and the reaction has generally been “congrats!!” i know what they really mean is “congrats on discovering this important thing about yourself”, but it’s hard to reciprocate the enthusiasm when i don’t exactly feel congrats about it. i’m really glad neurodiversity is becoming less stigmatized, and it’s good that disability pride month (which is july) exists! it’s just hard for me to feel proud when all i can see of my autism is the things i hate about myself. maybe one day, they won’t bother me as much. maybe one day, i’ll be able to see the gifts autism has given me.